Getting in the Boat instead of Swallowing Saltwater

This past weekend brought the privilege of attending two back to back women's events of a contemplative and reflective nature; one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon event, actually, was a whole day event and so since I was going to miss the morning time of reflection I asked for the questions ahead of time so I would be in the groove of the day when I got there.

The focus was on the story of Jesus being asleep in the boat in the storm with the disciples while they panicked about the whole situation.

"Where are you? Where is Jesus" was the approximate question. As is possible on a quiet Friday afternoon with no one around and the sun pouring in, I was able to slip into my inner experience and whoa...there I was...outside the boat, tossed around in waves, treading water trying not to gulp too much salt water.

Wow... revelation! Epiphany! Called up short and wanting!

So I spent some time hauling myself back in the boat and when Jesus woke up I told him I really didn't want to be in this particular boat, I wanted to be in another place. Honesty brings release and freedom, always.

Of course I have a few more conversations ahead of me before I figure out what to do about being in this boat, but it's lovely to confess I don't like where I'm being called, my 'now' place. Because the first step of being present in letting go of looking somewhere else.

Maybe for you too?
Love,
Deborah

So when that bad thing happens.....

A couple of weeks ago I tripped and fell. When I righted myself I could not get the signal to my leg to 'lift up'. I could get any 'fire power' I told the paramedics. I knew it was in my back but because of my age everyone kept checking for stroke and fracture.

Nevermind...the situation calmed down a bit and gradually the signal returned. I'm still walking with a walker but good things will come from a new physical assessment . And wow am I ever glad I lost those thirty pounds last year!

For the first few days, I was terrified and sad and mad at God. How could God let something like this happen? Only the night before I had taken a dance workshop and enjoyed being able to stand a little longer. That morning I was on my way to truly tackle the day with vigor. I had a whole new lease on life.

Now, I'd lost two clients because of it all and was toying with the idea of dashing more boldly into the future than I had that morning.

Yes...do it. Cry your bitters. Have your Job moment. And then calm down and let the Lord comfort you and share a new vision of how your bad situation will be transformed and redeemed into something newer, stronger and more to your liking.

Love,

Deborah

Given the situation.....

This time I mean it!  This time I begin my blog entries and do not stop regular entries again.

But the month of October will go down as one filled with the drama of moving, again, and personal injury that until twenty minutes ago when I found myself walking to my offer carrying a full plate of dinner for myself, without my walker. I had just trotted away from it without even thinking about it. 

Earlier this morning I had written to someone that there was the distinct possibility that when I fell over a pile of wood at a local grocery store, I may have re-traumatized my childhood injuries that have rendered me disabled to such a degree that I would never be able to walk independently again. 

When I got up from the fall I was unable to lift my right leg. 

Only the day before I had determined my steps to travel more unswervingly in the direction in which I believed God to be calling me. Then, in an early morning errand ....splat! Full side plant and ten hours in the ER. No stroke, no fractures. Those were the doctors concerns. My concern was the previous injuries to my L4-5 discs in my spine. 

So whadyathink? Why do bad things happen? Let's put it another way.  Why do good things happen? What is the meaning and relevancy of blessings and cursings in today's experience. How do we stay connected to God during all circumstances, all situations? 

This is how I did it. First I went numb inside myself. Shocky. Then I went into my brain and had friends pray for me in ways I couldn't pray for myself. Then I concentrated on the facts and details at hand. Then I hurt, cried out to God in protest, searching, told Satan to take a hike, and quantified my assessment of healing, filled my brain with inspirational and distracting stuff, and comedic stuff: 'One Thousand Gifts', a travelogue of Scotland, and 'Dropped Dead Diva', 'The Vicar of Dibley' and 'Connie and Carla'.

After those first few days, I followed my body and did what it told me to. As for God, I did self examination, and then looked for good to come from bad. 

Today there was another moment when it seemed that forward motion was going to be impeded. Then , as suddenly as the obstacle appeared, it disappeared. Before me were circumstances that gave me new insight into the promise of my life's work and adventures. Voila!

It's a biggy, this issue of God and situations, circumstances, activities, events. ...Where do you stand? What's  your belief system?

Love,
Deborah

Changes

Here's the thing I love about faith: there is meaning and purpose in every opportunity. Here's what I don't like. I'm not always thrilled with the twists and turns of life.

Today I am pondering the degree to which I can say to God, 'Hey! Not really diggin' what's going on right now!'

That's also why I love all the people in the Bible. I mean, from Moses to Mary my compatriots in engagement with The Eternal all had hesistations and flaws in obedience. So I will try not to strike the rock twice, like Moses did , and pray like Mary , 'Lord if you say it, I believe it!'.

Love,

Deborah

Whew! That's right up there with mastering squat thrusts in Junior High!
Love,
Deborah

To be perfectly honest

I don't think I'm ever going to stop missing or wishing for the pastorate. It's my absolute dream job. I love the requirements, the responsibilities, the nature of the job, the set up, everything. I love what it requires and how it blesses.

Nonetheless, here I am called to a writing and teaching service, ministry if you will,completely outside of  the church.

Oh well. Do you know what I love about the pastorate? For me, it was safe and familiar. It was my idea of a spiritual blue collar job. Since God repeatedly calls us outside of the comfort level to which we aspire, I follow.

So God says. 'Write' and speak to the world. Well heck. That isn't very  contained. And what is a person to do to earn money while one accomplishes that?!

Yet I have discovered what I already knew. God is found in times of transition. Big time. God is a teacher. God will help me rise to the challenge. Perpetually.

Yesterday I heard a sermon with two pastors talking about how busy they were. I thought  of the long hours I have in silence, stewing about words and ideas and paragraphs and rewrites and follow through. The silence of my life is overwhelming at times. I'm not very good at being obedient to the Spirit about this. Yet the small obedience I have extended has lead me into places of the deep presence of God.

This new calling, new to me at least, is presenting it's own rewards.

I'd like some company out here so I ask you, are you where you're supposed to be or where it's comfortable to be?
Love,
Deborah

It's a Bright Sunny Day?

The temperatures are soaring here in the Pacific Northwest. For us soaring means it's in the mid to upper 80's . The rest of the country is melting and by our standards, in about three days, people will be longing for our usual rain.

For me, there is incongruity.

This is a spectacularly beautiful summer. That makes two in a row for us. Yet in my personal life I am struggling to step out in faith in ways that feel most decidedly grey  and moist.

It reminds me of the battle of flesh and Spirit. Incarnational, flexible faith means we have to speak of the flesh from our Spirit. authenticity only grows when we are aware of our flesh and yield to  the Spirit.

When I first started teaching preschool, there was a little boy who would declare on sunny days, as we sat at the snack table, 'It's a bright sunny day Mrs. Patterson!!' ( my surname at the time). It's a mantra I have continued.

Extending the concept further, when we are painfully aware of the grey and moist of the flesh, we need to also acknowledge, 'it's a bright sunny day!!' in the Spirit. Both are true.

All that and the cooking and laundry need to be done, jobs are demanding and friends need attending. No wonder this walk on earth is a challenge!
Be blessed. It's a worthy journey :)
Love,
Deborah

But What of the Heart?

Last night I treated myself to a lecture at one of the local Universities about the different reactions of three women to receiving what they believed to be 'sanctification'. Two of them had the same reaction, being drawn closer to ministering to the disenfranchised, and one went the legalistic ballistic supremacy route.

The place of the Holy Spirit working in our lives continues to be the most controversial aspect of faith. Our very huge God, who knows the number of hairs on our heads and says there are plans to prosper us and not to harm us ,speaks to us and in our hearts ,which are so finite without the Spirit ,we bumble along translating into action.

That translation continues the challenge of incarnational living. Let me give you an example.

Years ago I began doing work with a boy who had epilepsy. I was just coming off of a vocational situation which had ended dramatically. I was feeling lots of self condemnation and inadequacy.

As the beginning days of my new situation and duties began I heard a phrase over and over again: first do no harm.

'Lord, ' I cried out in self recrimination. ' I've told you a thousand times how sorry I am for the controversy I brought to that situation . The phrase continued. 'First Do No Harm'.

The epileptic boy was being placed on the ketogenic diet and I was doing my best to weigh and measure the oils and fats when , I can't remember how , but I discovered there was a movie about the development and the use of the diet which can, under certain circumstances, heal epilepsy. It's title?

'First Do No Harm. '

My assumption that the Spirit would  condemn  me in the same way my own wounded heart would condemn me couldn't have been more wrong.

Know that God loves us more than we love ourselves.
Love,
Deborah