Waiting

"They that wait upon the Lord..." Yea, right. That's what I wanted to do...wait. So on Tuesday you start thinking about your sermon, or if you are a lay person maybe an agenda, or if you are a non church going believer, a situation, or if you are a seeker, a proof. By Thursday you're a bit frustrated nothing is coming. By Friday, panic is setting in. Saturday you roll something out that isn't quite what you wanted.

Agenda prep? You try to contact everyone to see who has what to discuss or report. No answer. Then there's the person who has tons and balance on the agenda seems to be the issue. By the night before the meeting you're convinced that the whole thing is pointless or at least going South fast.

Situation? Two days into it, you're beginning to use 'duct tape and a hammer'.  Never a good idea.

Seeker? Proving the existence of something invisible and discerned takes eons.

What do we do with waiting? Let it happen. Busy ourselves with what is doable, what is rewarding, the small steps that move towards a big happening.

Acknowledge that waiting is a part of life. It doesn't mean something has gone wrong or needs to be speeded up. It means that we are time bound. We are concrete beings. We are hemmed in by others and the events that result from that.

It could be worse. Have you had that time in your life when everything seemed to be happening too fast?
Think about it!
Love,
Deborah

The Unseen and the Unknown

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! I cried out as my body pitched sideways towards the woodpile and the concrete next to it.

Feeling as if someone had stuck their foot out and tripped me, I sent out that prayer as my extremities instinctively sought to save me from the full impact.

My daughter, newly returned to the area had been telling me for months I needed to use a cane. The foot drop I had developed because of a very severe childhood car accident when my legs were pinned under the back seat of an old style Renault, the engine resting on them.

People came from every direction, kinda sorta rushing but not eager to find bad news. Because I am the kind  of person who jokes her way through stressful situations, I don't always look hurt or helpless enough. But I was. Hurt. When I right myself, the signal from my brain to my right leg was gone. I could think 'lift' all I wanted to, but the leg would not respond.

Aid cars came and I couldn't make a decision of what to do or who to call. Lifting my leg like a marionette by the pant leg instead of a string, they put me back into my car. I laboriously replenished the car with some fuel and then somehow drove myself back to my little Island. Stopping at the fire station to see if I could have someone follow me home and help me into bed, I emerged from the ladies room pit stop I had requested in the wheelchair they insisted I use to find myself facing a gurney and an aid car. I was going to the hospital.

Life has not been the same since. In the slow wheels of medical assessment and paperwork, I am in the process of finding out exactly what damage was done. The signal returned to my leg after about three or four days. Using a walker for a month, I am now on a four toed cane. Most likely it is permanent.

It's just a cane. I have returned to a lifestyle I knew in the years immediately following the accident. I am visibly disabled.

In just three months, I have had to rework and redesign my entire life. It has pressed me so close to God, he feels like a constant friend and coach. I stay away from 'why' and instead ask 'what good can come of this , Lord?'. My prayer is for the 'bad' to be recomposted for 'good' as quickly as possible.

All my years of enduring hardship and seeming impossible challenges have provided a foundation on which I can build a new life that is positive and responsive to whatever call it is the Lord has given me; to continue the work I was beginning to do in adaptive ways.

Be bold and strong in the little days of obstacles, that during the big days of a complete curve ball being thrown your way, you are adept and surrender and listening.

Now lest I sound too noble, and in case some of you are going through the first little bit of an extreme situation, know that I spent the first twenty four hours crying out, and venting, and acknowledging my fears.

Then I surrendered the unknown to the Unseen.
I'll keep you posted. My faith is stronger than ever.
Love,
Deborah

Between two Xmases

Western Xmas is over and Eastern Xmas is about to be celebrated. In the middle of this experience is the Western New Year.

I love it. We celebrate the birth. We commit to a new year and new ways in our lives, and then we re-celebrate the birth.

Yea God!
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Christmas...
Love,
Deborah

Getting in the Boat instead of Swallowing Saltwater

This past weekend brought the privilege of attending two back to back women's events of a contemplative and reflective nature; one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon event, actually, was a whole day event and so since I was going to miss the morning time of reflection I asked for the questions ahead of time so I would be in the groove of the day when I got there.

The focus was on the story of Jesus being asleep in the boat in the storm with the disciples while they panicked about the whole situation.

"Where are you? Where is Jesus" was the approximate question. As is possible on a quiet Friday afternoon with no one around and the sun pouring in, I was able to slip into my inner experience and whoa...there I was...outside the boat, tossed around in waves, treading water trying not to gulp too much salt water.

Wow... revelation! Epiphany! Called up short and wanting!

So I spent some time hauling myself back in the boat and when Jesus woke up I told him I really didn't want to be in this particular boat, I wanted to be in another place. Honesty brings release and freedom, always.

Of course I have a few more conversations ahead of me before I figure out what to do about being in this boat, but it's lovely to confess I don't like where I'm being called, my 'now' place. Because the first step of being present in letting go of looking somewhere else.

Maybe for you too?
Love,
Deborah

So when that bad thing happens.....

A couple of weeks ago I tripped and fell. When I righted myself I could not get the signal to my leg to 'lift up'. I could get any 'fire power' I told the paramedics. I knew it was in my back but because of my age everyone kept checking for stroke and fracture.

Nevermind...the situation calmed down a bit and gradually the signal returned. I'm still walking with a walker but good things will come from a new physical assessment . And wow am I ever glad I lost those thirty pounds last year!

For the first few days, I was terrified and sad and mad at God. How could God let something like this happen? Only the night before I had taken a dance workshop and enjoyed being able to stand a little longer. That morning I was on my way to truly tackle the day with vigor. I had a whole new lease on life.

Now, I'd lost two clients because of it all and was toying with the idea of dashing more boldly into the future than I had that morning.

Yes...do it. Cry your bitters. Have your Job moment. And then calm down and let the Lord comfort you and share a new vision of how your bad situation will be transformed and redeemed into something newer, stronger and more to your liking.

Love,

Deborah

Given the situation.....

This time I mean it!  This time I begin my blog entries and do not stop regular entries again.

But the month of October will go down as one filled with the drama of moving, again, and personal injury that until twenty minutes ago when I found myself walking to my offer carrying a full plate of dinner for myself, without my walker. I had just trotted away from it without even thinking about it. 

Earlier this morning I had written to someone that there was the distinct possibility that when I fell over a pile of wood at a local grocery store, I may have re-traumatized my childhood injuries that have rendered me disabled to such a degree that I would never be able to walk independently again. 

When I got up from the fall I was unable to lift my right leg. 

Only the day before I had determined my steps to travel more unswervingly in the direction in which I believed God to be calling me. Then, in an early morning errand ....splat! Full side plant and ten hours in the ER. No stroke, no fractures. Those were the doctors concerns. My concern was the previous injuries to my L4-5 discs in my spine. 

So whadyathink? Why do bad things happen? Let's put it another way.  Why do good things happen? What is the meaning and relevancy of blessings and cursings in today's experience. How do we stay connected to God during all circumstances, all situations? 

This is how I did it. First I went numb inside myself. Shocky. Then I went into my brain and had friends pray for me in ways I couldn't pray for myself. Then I concentrated on the facts and details at hand. Then I hurt, cried out to God in protest, searching, told Satan to take a hike, and quantified my assessment of healing, filled my brain with inspirational and distracting stuff, and comedic stuff: 'One Thousand Gifts', a travelogue of Scotland, and 'Dropped Dead Diva', 'The Vicar of Dibley' and 'Connie and Carla'.

After those first few days, I followed my body and did what it told me to. As for God, I did self examination, and then looked for good to come from bad. 

Today there was another moment when it seemed that forward motion was going to be impeded. Then , as suddenly as the obstacle appeared, it disappeared. Before me were circumstances that gave me new insight into the promise of my life's work and adventures. Voila!

It's a biggy, this issue of God and situations, circumstances, activities, events. ...Where do you stand? What's  your belief system?

Love,
Deborah

Changes

Here's the thing I love about faith: there is meaning and purpose in every opportunity. Here's what I don't like. I'm not always thrilled with the twists and turns of life.

Today I am pondering the degree to which I can say to God, 'Hey! Not really diggin' what's going on right now!'

That's also why I love all the people in the Bible. I mean, from Moses to Mary my compatriots in engagement with The Eternal all had hesistations and flaws in obedience. So I will try not to strike the rock twice, like Moses did , and pray like Mary , 'Lord if you say it, I believe it!'.

Love,

Deborah

Whew! That's right up there with mastering squat thrusts in Junior High!
Love,
Deborah