Making Lists

So this is it...this is the day to which the culmination of twenty plus years of obedience to the Spirit has lead. I have a new life, a fresh start. All of the enmeshed experiences I gave myself and lead myself into and said yes to because of the circumstances of my childhood, have pretty much been dismantled...

I begin, like I always begin... I make lists. I get organized. I try to get a mental handle on the picture of my life, the constructs, the paradigms, the overarching themes...I grasp at what I can and hold more than I should.

Everything my heart desires is about surrendering and releasing and receiving, and yet that is not the operative mode of my comfort level....

So I make lists. They are lists I rarely check off. Today I went through a few from the past and found myself surprised that there were three of them that actually had lines crossing out indicating accomplishment. That's a lot.

Usually I just transfer the items to another list or wait until the items are no longer timely or relevant.

But if I am to truly step into the unknown, truly live one moment at a time, I have to see the making of lists and discarding of them as a careful modification of surrender. And I ask myself the question, 'what is the practical experience of trusting the Spirit?" Or a second question,"Is following the Spirit too disorganized?"

How can I step out of my comfort level on a daily level and still keep my wits about me, still stay grounded?
Is it all mutually exclusive?

I know that when I look back at these days from a distance, I will have the answers to my questions.

What I know from looking back at previous days now is that I didn't even ask the right questions...
I'm OK with that. Maybe I just need to feel like I'm hanging on. Maybe that's the way I move through things at the behest of the Spirit....trying to make the intangible concrete....

I'm watching me....how will I do this new, creative life? How will I take all I've been given and , in obedience, create what I am lead to create?  So different than the life of service I have lead....
More later...
Love,
Deborah

Can You Speak Secular

When I was in teacher training for early childhood oh so many years ago, the lab school where we took our classes had a distinct disdain for the anthropomorphism of animals. We were forbidden to read stories to children where any animal talked. It was said to mislead them.

In the same way, sometimes, the traditional church can be a gatekeeper for what is sacred and meaningful and what is not. 

I heard someone talking about the meaning of her coffee mug a while or so back. It made me think again of a huge theological discovery I've made that is ancient truth rediscovered. Other,non, marginal, dis, doubting and prior believers are eager for us to hear what is sacred to them. They will, if we are willing to do so, let us listen to what has had meaning for them that is beyond the here and now. Maybe it's a place, maybe it's a relationship, maybe it's a book, and maybe it's an afghan or a chair or a cabin in the woods near a lake.

We who believe have a peculiar call to share what we know here. We know that the onus on followers of Jesus is to listen first and share second. We know it is important to go to the other, non, marginal, dis, doubting, and prior believers rather than making them come to us. And if we don't suggest they come to us, it has to be in a venue familiar to them. We worry less about wandering from the path and more about not walking with people on their own streets. That is the new road to Emmaus.

You see, it is true that teaching children that animals can talk is misleading =except for those youtube animals that can sing and dance and of course my own dog and cats who have the ability to say 'OUT' quite clearly. But what children learn when they are young and ducks and trumpeter swans and pokey little puppies are losing their way is that there is an affinity between us and animals. It's a starting point. 

When somebody tells me how holy Kahlil Gibran's 'The Prophet' is to them, it's an opportunity to begin a discussion of the sacred and how it moves us past the concrete. I suppose I could go into a discussion of Trinitarian theology and kill their joy in about a nano second but what's the point; my correct theology or their budding one? The only test question we have to answer on the Jesus exam is 'Yes or No?'  And getting to Jesus was already modeled for us as he put his hands in dirt and water and people's hearts and said, '"what do you see of eternal value and meaning here?"

Let me put it even more simply. I have a colleague who was raised as an atheist Jew and she asked me one time, "How do you see the sacred in the secular?"

How can a coffee mug lead to eternal meaning? That's the new millennium calling for Christians in an age more people than ever are spiritually curious even as the church is either dying or becoming an arena spectator sport. We don't spread the Gospel as much anymore as we translate. 

Can you speak secular? Can we say where we once were and how we're not there anymore and how that happened even as we held our meaningful gift mugs?  Jesus would now sit at the Espresso stand instead of the well, and say "The Holy Spirit is a little like your shot of flavour that sweetens the deal and makes it more pleasant.” And so we drink from a new cup, if we can bear to allow ourselves a new chalice.

What Victory Looks Like: the difference between 'have' and 'of'

The faith that guides and directs, sustains and motivates based on a relationship with a God who loves and cares doesn't always have the feel of 'the better life'.

That interaction between heaven and earth that develops our spiritual self in ways of maturation leads us, frequently, into situations where the rub is real and the chances for earthly defeat are real.

Looking at the big picture, the long view, and standing on higher ground as often as we can is what yields a harvest of peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, self control,  and love.

By earthly standards, two weeks ago, I looked like an utter failure. Now, I just have my first published book that is resonating with people in life giving ways. The only difference inside of me between two weeks ago and now, is a sense of relief that following the invisible nudge of the Spirit has proven trustworthy. External standards would still make me look like a failure. The smile on my face, the increased peace everyone tells me is emanating from my being, the hope in my heart which does not disappoint are the tell tale indicators of victorious living.

Keep paying attention to your insides. People of faith live from the inside out. Everyday, they live with 'centered' as the goal. On those days when we have  faith instead of being people of  faith, we miss out on seeing what God sees, loving what and who God loves, and speaking what comes from a heart that offers the unconditional love it has first received.

It's so tough. Jes' sayin' but keep trying.
Love,
Deborah

The Difference My Faith Makes

Fie on me for not being able to see it earlier. Why did I get things a different way? Why did I see things a different way?

Let's take brain science for instance. They all seem so surprised that babies are people, right from the start. Instead of confirmation, the researchers were seeming to just make assertions. Details about baby's gaze, reactions, engagement, all brought forth ooh's and aah's as if electricity had once again been discovered.

As with most epiphanies, I'm not sure how and why the catalytic reaction of past and present mixed such that a new realization with the proper label 'truth' afixed itself to the concept. But one such day, I came to understand...ahhh.... the brain science people do not come from the foundation of Psalm 139. They do not know, before they were born they were knitted together in their mother's womb. Somebody created them. What a difference to not be created.

Brain science people are starting from scratch.

Because of my faith I am not starting today from scratch. There is a relationship of Love that guides me into the day, through the day and will finish the day with me.

When I look at a person I know that person has depth and meaning and longevity.

In the same way, I have wondered why people within the church frequently classified statements or opinions or experiences I shared as 'too much'. The world would not categorize them that way. Then, by the parameters of the same epiphanal notion, I reckon they have used their faith to protect themselves from the world, from remembering what it is to forget they are Loved.

Somewhere in the middle, is the constant of faith's moving in, around , through, into , out of, and beyond daily life, the now and not yet, today and eternity.

My faith makes a difference because if I sit in the middle of it, I can be in the time zone where God can truly teach me, use me, and connect with me, without 'me' getting in the way. I can experience God in ways of surrender and response and obedience that expand, grow, nurture and prune all the way that is most a blessing in the most expansive way.

Way too much for many. Next point, maybe...how does one increase the ability to receive God?

Ponder that.....

TheTruth About Faith...

Making the statement, "I'm in this mess because of church leaders who didn't have any faith in their hearts" will put a wrong slant on things.

It's a true statement, but what I'm in is not a mess. Actually for the first time in about two decades, I'm NOT in a mess. I'm in a plan.

But how different my life would have been, would be now if oh so many church leaders had chosen to attend to the deficit I exposed in church leadership instead of trying to discredit and dissuade me from being seen and heard as someone who was accurately reporting events and conditions.

So, how do we end up with church leaders who don't have any faith in their hearts?

Start with seminary, go through tradition and end up with culture.

Seminary is just a head trip. Pure and simple. No one gets sat down in seminary and asked, 'Why did Jesus die for you?" "Where is the pain that needs the healing of the Balm of Gilead?" "What has God designed in you.?"  Those are questions that lead to faith.

No, sadly in seminary they debate whether those are questions that need to be asked.

Second, tradition says church leaders will have a very narrow view of the world.
They worship at only one church with an occasional field trip, they have duties that keep them away from non believers or a-believers or former believers, who ask very good questions.
They are put on a pedestal and not taught how to be player coaches.
They like all of the above because it keeps them from having to endure social intimacy which makes them uncomfortable ( according to one particular study).

No, I am in this plan because I have faith. As one leader put it one time, "The trouble with you is that you take all this sh*t seriously". Yup...faith can cause you trouble.

I don't have their retirement plan right now, but I do have my spiritual integrity. I think I'm going to be OK.

The Spiritual Side of Sleeping in the Car

Sounds like an enormous sacrifice doesn't it? Sounds noble, sounds self sacrificing. Kinda sorta is. Except for two things. First of all, my office space is pretty deluxe. I keep getting gifted with weekends away and housesitting jobs, and...
the front seat of my car is way better for my back than a big ol' bed.

When you have an L4-5 injury you spend the night tossing and turning to keep the pain at bay. Sleeping is an endurance experience. It takes ten hours in bed to get eight hours sleep. Stretching out means curling up in fetal position with a pillow between your knees and everytime you turn, that pillow has to be readjusted.

In the car? The seat envelopes me at just the right angles. I am not stretched out straight. I find myself sleeping four or five hours at a stretch in a deep deep sleep.

Plus, the place where I sleep is wildly secure and protected. A bathroom is at hand for middle of the night runs, although I sleep so deeply I find I frequently just sleep through the night.

Who knew?

So...I agree to this plan God puts in my heart and I end up with a better quality of life than I ever could have imagined.

This shared workspace building is a dream. Simply a dream. I know and like half the people here already from very pleasant associations. I'm eating better than ever and losing weight, much desired, at a very rapid pace because I cook and eat better at a more regular rate. My office has stairs that are involved and so I am getting more exercise than I ever would have imagined.

All of this goes together to generate some of the best work I've ever produced. I'm more relaxed, less stressed, more creative, feeling more safe than I ever thought possible. I can't wait to get to work each day from my morning shift.

Ah...the morning shift. I finish and then I have an incredibly beautiful place, again, completely safe, where I can go for a long morning nap before I head for the office.

The connections the Lord created are stronger and I'm getting more positive feedback than ever before.
So...here's the lesson. What is God calling you to give up to get a better quality of life? What is God calling you to do that you don't think is possible because you haven't surrendered what you don't think you could give up?

God has set a new standard of living for me. It is not one I thought possible. I have no doubt that in a year or two or three I will be able to purchase a home and have a bedroom with proper closets.

When that happens, I will have a whole new habit of living, a whole new standard of living.
And my trust and surrender of the Lord God on High? Off the charts...just off the charts. I never ever thought I would be so provided for.

Yes, I look back and try to see where I could have had better if I'd surrendered more but you know what happens? It's as if God jammed the channel. Looking back rarely brings good results in moving forward.

So for today, I rest in each moment. I cherish the provision of each hour. I do my best to make the most of it. I rejoice. I say thanks. I relax and go to the next moment with an open heart.

That isn't what you thought I was going to write/say is it?:)

The Church and Me

So yesterday I found the evaluation sheets from a job I took for sixteen weeks during the summer of 2005.

The word I get to use now that I'm just a business woman who happens to be a Christian is pissed.

I wish I could have seen everything clearly when it was all happening. My innocence and naivete astounds me. Just clueless.

Why? Well, for some odd reason that I will only know in the afterlife I suppose, I always see things from an eternal perspective. I see health in people who are really unhealthy. Meaning I see the possibility of them as whole and functioning. I see the possibility of growth in stagnant situations. I see what 'healed' looks like in the wounded.

To every person, I speak into their best life. If Haley whatshisface saw dead people, I see life. To the detriment of my own protection.

Sometimes I think God has kept me where I am, without opening any escape hatches, so that I could lose the rose coloured glasses.

The interconnected enmeshment of the denominations in which I have moved and had my being is beyond belief. It's incestuous. They are men who are faking it and not quite making it. Company men they used to call them in the denomination of my childhood. The business of religion.

So here's me, on this Donna Quixote like quest for spiritual maturity and life abundant saying, 'Hey gang! This new life we are offered is so cool. Don't you just want to get to the core of your pain and fear and turn it all over to God and let it be washed clean and given new meaning?" And their like, well, really we're in this for the applause and affirmation and leader worship we can receive because it feels really safe and comfortable.

You would think it would lead me to hate wouldn't you? But it doesn't. It can't. Because in November of 1993, I took vows to hold God's people in my heart. I'm supposed to love them even when they hurt me. So, my default is always , after I've set some limits, to go into teaching mode.

I spent all day on a book I've been working on since the mid nineties which if written with excellence and read properly, has the possibility of leading people to a deeper relationship with themselves and a closer relationship with God. That could be revolutionary. It will not have any patriarchal aroma to it. That might be different, freeing for some hopefully.

Then tonight, I spent my hours working on my spiritual memoir.

In both instances, I have had an opportunity to see with hindsight, what my spiritual journey has been. It's enough to make you believe in God.

Now, I'm not going to keep my experience from the summer of 2005 a secret. It was the singularly most defining time period in my life outside of the Spring of 1969 in Cambridge England when I surrendered my life to God. And no doubt, as always happens, when I speak my truth, people who are embarrassed about their behavior might see it as an attack or criticism.

But I am, at this point in my life, fully confident that God is working in their lives as well, whether they want God to or not. Good will come of me telling my story.

And this day, this most incredible day when I am reaping the blessing of a  thousand moments of small obediences to the nudge, the whiff that has been my pillar of smoke and fire, I wish that for them. I wish healing and awareness and increased closeness to the eternal love that shapes and molds us for the best we can receive.