So this is it...this is the day to which the culmination of twenty plus years of obedience to the Spirit has lead. I have a new life, a fresh start. All of the enmeshed experiences I gave myself and lead myself into and said yes to because of the circumstances of my childhood, have pretty much been dismantled...
I begin, like I always begin... I make lists. I get organized. I try to get a mental handle on the picture of my life, the constructs, the paradigms, the overarching themes...I grasp at what I can and hold more than I should.
Everything my heart desires is about surrendering and releasing and receiving, and yet that is not the operative mode of my comfort level....
So I make lists. They are lists I rarely check off. Today I went through a few from the past and found myself surprised that there were three of them that actually had lines crossing out indicating accomplishment. That's a lot.
Usually I just transfer the items to another list or wait until the items are no longer timely or relevant.
But if I am to truly step into the unknown, truly live one moment at a time, I have to see the making of lists and discarding of them as a careful modification of surrender. And I ask myself the question, 'what is the practical experience of trusting the Spirit?" Or a second question,"Is following the Spirit too disorganized?"
How can I step out of my comfort level on a daily level and still keep my wits about me, still stay grounded?
Is it all mutually exclusive?
I know that when I look back at these days from a distance, I will have the answers to my questions.
What I know from looking back at previous days now is that I didn't even ask the right questions...
I'm OK with that. Maybe I just need to feel like I'm hanging on. Maybe that's the way I move through things at the behest of the Spirit....trying to make the intangible concrete....
I'm watching me....how will I do this new, creative life? How will I take all I've been given and , in obedience, create what I am lead to create? So different than the life of service I have lead....
More later...
Love,
Deborah
About Me
- The Social Contemplative
- What does it mean to be a social contemplative? A person who has spent a lot of time reflecting on a very busy life with diverse experiences that have , in spite of herself, yielded a lot of wisdom she wishes to pass on to others. Deborah loves people but recharges her batteries alone. Sitting in the presence of her own life is mandatory. Reflection and centering happen in the midst of the whirl of a populated world. Born on the East Coast, living all her adult life on the West Coast she is a hybrid of cultures. She is a mom, a writer, and a teacher who sings, reads and swims for fun. And yes she is ordained, but don’t hold that against her. She believes we are more than conquerors and most days there’s a smile on her face because she deals with life in real time. She’s a whole lot funnier than this description makes her sound. Lastly, it’s important to know she’s a paper and pencil gal in a digital world.
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