TheTruth About Faith...

Making the statement, "I'm in this mess because of church leaders who didn't have any faith in their hearts" will put a wrong slant on things.

It's a true statement, but what I'm in is not a mess. Actually for the first time in about two decades, I'm NOT in a mess. I'm in a plan.

But how different my life would have been, would be now if oh so many church leaders had chosen to attend to the deficit I exposed in church leadership instead of trying to discredit and dissuade me from being seen and heard as someone who was accurately reporting events and conditions.

So, how do we end up with church leaders who don't have any faith in their hearts?

Start with seminary, go through tradition and end up with culture.

Seminary is just a head trip. Pure and simple. No one gets sat down in seminary and asked, 'Why did Jesus die for you?" "Where is the pain that needs the healing of the Balm of Gilead?" "What has God designed in you.?"  Those are questions that lead to faith.

No, sadly in seminary they debate whether those are questions that need to be asked.

Second, tradition says church leaders will have a very narrow view of the world.
They worship at only one church with an occasional field trip, they have duties that keep them away from non believers or a-believers or former believers, who ask very good questions.
They are put on a pedestal and not taught how to be player coaches.
They like all of the above because it keeps them from having to endure social intimacy which makes them uncomfortable ( according to one particular study).

No, I am in this plan because I have faith. As one leader put it one time, "The trouble with you is that you take all this sh*t seriously". Yup...faith can cause you trouble.

I don't have their retirement plan right now, but I do have my spiritual integrity. I think I'm going to be OK.

The Spiritual Side of Sleeping in the Car

Sounds like an enormous sacrifice doesn't it? Sounds noble, sounds self sacrificing. Kinda sorta is. Except for two things. First of all, my office space is pretty deluxe. I keep getting gifted with weekends away and housesitting jobs, and...
the front seat of my car is way better for my back than a big ol' bed.

When you have an L4-5 injury you spend the night tossing and turning to keep the pain at bay. Sleeping is an endurance experience. It takes ten hours in bed to get eight hours sleep. Stretching out means curling up in fetal position with a pillow between your knees and everytime you turn, that pillow has to be readjusted.

In the car? The seat envelopes me at just the right angles. I am not stretched out straight. I find myself sleeping four or five hours at a stretch in a deep deep sleep.

Plus, the place where I sleep is wildly secure and protected. A bathroom is at hand for middle of the night runs, although I sleep so deeply I find I frequently just sleep through the night.

Who knew?

So...I agree to this plan God puts in my heart and I end up with a better quality of life than I ever could have imagined.

This shared workspace building is a dream. Simply a dream. I know and like half the people here already from very pleasant associations. I'm eating better than ever and losing weight, much desired, at a very rapid pace because I cook and eat better at a more regular rate. My office has stairs that are involved and so I am getting more exercise than I ever would have imagined.

All of this goes together to generate some of the best work I've ever produced. I'm more relaxed, less stressed, more creative, feeling more safe than I ever thought possible. I can't wait to get to work each day from my morning shift.

Ah...the morning shift. I finish and then I have an incredibly beautiful place, again, completely safe, where I can go for a long morning nap before I head for the office.

The connections the Lord created are stronger and I'm getting more positive feedback than ever before.
So...here's the lesson. What is God calling you to give up to get a better quality of life? What is God calling you to do that you don't think is possible because you haven't surrendered what you don't think you could give up?

God has set a new standard of living for me. It is not one I thought possible. I have no doubt that in a year or two or three I will be able to purchase a home and have a bedroom with proper closets.

When that happens, I will have a whole new habit of living, a whole new standard of living.
And my trust and surrender of the Lord God on High? Off the charts...just off the charts. I never ever thought I would be so provided for.

Yes, I look back and try to see where I could have had better if I'd surrendered more but you know what happens? It's as if God jammed the channel. Looking back rarely brings good results in moving forward.

So for today, I rest in each moment. I cherish the provision of each hour. I do my best to make the most of it. I rejoice. I say thanks. I relax and go to the next moment with an open heart.

That isn't what you thought I was going to write/say is it?:)

The Church and Me

So yesterday I found the evaluation sheets from a job I took for sixteen weeks during the summer of 2005.

The word I get to use now that I'm just a business woman who happens to be a Christian is pissed.

I wish I could have seen everything clearly when it was all happening. My innocence and naivete astounds me. Just clueless.

Why? Well, for some odd reason that I will only know in the afterlife I suppose, I always see things from an eternal perspective. I see health in people who are really unhealthy. Meaning I see the possibility of them as whole and functioning. I see the possibility of growth in stagnant situations. I see what 'healed' looks like in the wounded.

To every person, I speak into their best life. If Haley whatshisface saw dead people, I see life. To the detriment of my own protection.

Sometimes I think God has kept me where I am, without opening any escape hatches, so that I could lose the rose coloured glasses.

The interconnected enmeshment of the denominations in which I have moved and had my being is beyond belief. It's incestuous. They are men who are faking it and not quite making it. Company men they used to call them in the denomination of my childhood. The business of religion.

So here's me, on this Donna Quixote like quest for spiritual maturity and life abundant saying, 'Hey gang! This new life we are offered is so cool. Don't you just want to get to the core of your pain and fear and turn it all over to God and let it be washed clean and given new meaning?" And their like, well, really we're in this for the applause and affirmation and leader worship we can receive because it feels really safe and comfortable.

You would think it would lead me to hate wouldn't you? But it doesn't. It can't. Because in November of 1993, I took vows to hold God's people in my heart. I'm supposed to love them even when they hurt me. So, my default is always , after I've set some limits, to go into teaching mode.

I spent all day on a book I've been working on since the mid nineties which if written with excellence and read properly, has the possibility of leading people to a deeper relationship with themselves and a closer relationship with God. That could be revolutionary. It will not have any patriarchal aroma to it. That might be different, freeing for some hopefully.

Then tonight, I spent my hours working on my spiritual memoir.

In both instances, I have had an opportunity to see with hindsight, what my spiritual journey has been. It's enough to make you believe in God.

Now, I'm not going to keep my experience from the summer of 2005 a secret. It was the singularly most defining time period in my life outside of the Spring of 1969 in Cambridge England when I surrendered my life to God. And no doubt, as always happens, when I speak my truth, people who are embarrassed about their behavior might see it as an attack or criticism.

But I am, at this point in my life, fully confident that God is working in their lives as well, whether they want God to or not. Good will come of me telling my story.

And this day, this most incredible day when I am reaping the blessing of a  thousand moments of small obediences to the nudge, the whiff that has been my pillar of smoke and fire, I wish that for them. I wish healing and awareness and increased closeness to the eternal love that shapes and molds us for the best we can receive.

The Blessing of Obedience

Today was a day filled with the pay off of blind, faithfilled obedience. I spent a lifetime learning to discern the voice, the will, the nudge, the hint, the whiff, of God's communication with me, God's leading, God's intended good will towards me.

Yet, so often I sabotaged my own blessing by not trusting that growth, that proces. Today was a 'yes'.
And I sat in the good pleasure of being alive and unbounded creative energy and peace with who God has made me to be all day long.

I would wish for you a day like I had today. It encourages me to be moreso.

Faith Based Living

The journey to my current faith walk has been so extraordinary, it inspires, in me,awe for the living God

Coming from a family of lip service and non belief, head knowledge and denigration, that the Spirit would break in on me at such a young age and I would continue to have urgings to search and clues to follow into the deeper in and higher up, is remarkable.

This weekend, when I examined my current fascination with Joel Osteen's material that retrains my brain to think in terms of a God who desires to bless me, I saw a parallel to my respect and desire to learn from Joyce Meyers. I was working from unbelief to belief with her and now I am working from Spiritual riches to riches in the natural with the Osteen teachings.

Both of those are so extraordinarily far from my foundational experiences in the church. I come from mainline club status. Rules and rituals girding the loins of a closeted faith enmeshed with an organization and building that neither breathes in nor expires in faith.

I am astounded to find that unbelief is not an issue for me anymore.

So too, I know soon, the issue of wealth and opening myself up to monetary blessing in a big way from God will eventually be a non issue for me. It will be fun to be past that as an obstacle.

Also this weekend I thought about being a church reject. It hurts. I love the Body of Christ so much and it pains me that people with less faith are able to be gatekeepers of faith. I don't like not being recognized.

Sitting in the wonderful Norman Cathedral that is St. Mark's, on the side wall today as I came in late, I marveled at my willingness to go to yet another path. But clearly God has been leading me in ways that culminate in liturgical worship.

I wish pastors would let me teach them. They are missing so much. They spend time only with their own congregations. They have to wear the mantle all the time. The collegiality frequently breeds familiarity.

None of the Dove. None of the Lion. I want to help them develop a relationship with the Dove and the Lion.

So, I will pay very close attention to the thin silence and not jump ahead but only act on that which I discern. And maybe.....who knows... that might be where I end up after all.

What's at the Center of the Great Adventure

Unwrapping my theological core in the beginning of this adventure seems a little complicated.

So, some people call it intuition. But it's more personal than that. Some people call it the voice of God but sometimes it's only an impulse. Sometimes it is a voice but that kinda freaks people out.

Sometimes it's just a feeling of alignment and there are other confirmations that I am on track so I continue in a certain direction.

Sometimes it's a feeling of enormous resolve.

At any rate, a couple of weeks ago when it became clear the latest landlord was going to arrange things or fix things to find any excuse possible to pressure me out of the house, I just said 'enough'! Five times in a row I  made the mistake of looking for domestic stability so I could write what I feel called to write and get the words to market, finish the website so I could solicit teaching and speaking engagements and get my podcasts recorded.

I had this idea. Those ideas I always attribute to God because they have my best interests and most visibility of my faith. The idea I had was to call this place that did work space rental and take my work out of the mix of my domestic situation. I just couldn't move again until it was to unpack in a permanent place. People say one thing but do another all the time. I needed to remove my work from the hands of unpredictability as far away as I could.

From that lead, the other pieces of  the question, 'How do I lead a normal life that is productive and fun and fulfilling without having a home where it all happens?" fell into place.

I believe God supplies answers when a set of positive events fall into place together.

My faith had been bolstered this summer by a concentrated time of study in retraining my brain to think of God as a God who blesses. My whole view was framed by asking the question, 'Does this idea bless me or my situation or my possibilities of providing for my family.?"

As I explored the option of the office and found it provided more than I thought possible, I moved on to the next dilemma and the next. Each time, right before I needed it, someone suggested a solution.

Taking each step as an act of faith made a collective move in the right direction.
As I read this back, I see I have created an incalculable number of questions about what is good for me, what am I called to do, and what does God have to do with all of this. For now.....this is the start of explaining what it's like to be inside my faith. Best I can do.

I must remember to talk, sometime, about the difference between and the decision to make the leap between the ministry ( the pastorate) and being an artist and a business woman.

Great Faith

Having never written about my actual faith walk in a detailed way, in a public place, finding the end of the thread as a place to begin is challenging.

I'm not sure this is the "right" or "proper" place to start, but presently I am thinking about the chasm between me and established church leaders. From many of them I am hearing, and have heard, "stop saying you hear God". I always wanted to say to them,"of course I hear God! I'm not busy with minutia like you. I'm not worshiping the gods of other scholars. My physical circumstances are not comfortable. I hang out with non believers. How could I possibly NOT hear God??!!".

The only difference in my life right now is acting boldly on what I hear.  I have parced out the pieces of my life because God is running an end game around church leadership in providing me a forum to speak of my faith: how I came to know of it, how it came to be, and how I trust it will grow.

That much I know right this moment. More will come I'm sure.

Eventually, this will be the blog where I record the faith walk elements of The Grand Adventure.
Tonight, I am exhausted from the changes and will simply commit publicly to the dedication of the space for that purpose.

I wish I knew how to change my masthead. But then again, perhaps such an exposition is indeed the building of faith based leadership. If enough leaders make it about faith, it will become faith based.

And now. Good Night.

On Robin Williams

When I look at the body of work generated by Robin Williams, it's possible to see that he knew all the answers about compassion, and pain, and hope and courage and joy. He just couldn't internalize it. Mental illness steals the ability to internalize goodness. In heaven he will be complete, and happy and free! Yea God!

Real life as scripture

I just had this thought as I was preparing to write another column. What if real life was scripture? Could you preach on that? Could you find enough Kairos moments to see God? To witness to your faith? That's the point. I think.
Love,
Deborah

Decisive Faith

When I look at the entry records of my blogpost, it seems hard to believe that it's been almost three months.
Change...again! Arghhh... This time only the process of emptying two storage units into the place where I already reside. Only unpacking this time, not packing.

So...maybe your life isn't running the way you want it too. It's such a process.

But I have stood apart from myself and been amazed that, once again, I have chosen to believe God has good in store for me. Faith.  I have, once again, decided to have faith.

What I have seen this time, is that the collection of small decisions to be faithful in small situations has collective aggregated to a large blessing.

Ah...so that's what scripture meant about 'who is faithful in the small will be trusted with the large'. It wasn't a test, it was an accumulation. A gathering of decisions to be faithful when all signs pointed to 'stupid'.

Go for it! Testable and measurable as they say in education circles.
Love,
Deborah

Waiting

"They that wait upon the Lord..." Yea, right. That's what I wanted to do...wait. So on Tuesday you start thinking about your sermon, or if you are a lay person maybe an agenda, or if you are a non church going believer, a situation, or if you are a seeker, a proof. By Thursday you're a bit frustrated nothing is coming. By Friday, panic is setting in. Saturday you roll something out that isn't quite what you wanted.

Agenda prep? You try to contact everyone to see who has what to discuss or report. No answer. Then there's the person who has tons and balance on the agenda seems to be the issue. By the night before the meeting you're convinced that the whole thing is pointless or at least going South fast.

Situation? Two days into it, you're beginning to use 'duct tape and a hammer'.  Never a good idea.

Seeker? Proving the existence of something invisible and discerned takes eons.

What do we do with waiting? Let it happen. Busy ourselves with what is doable, what is rewarding, the small steps that move towards a big happening.

Acknowledge that waiting is a part of life. It doesn't mean something has gone wrong or needs to be speeded up. It means that we are time bound. We are concrete beings. We are hemmed in by others and the events that result from that.

It could be worse. Have you had that time in your life when everything seemed to be happening too fast?
Think about it!
Love,
Deborah

The Unseen and the Unknown

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! I cried out as my body pitched sideways towards the woodpile and the concrete next to it.

Feeling as if someone had stuck their foot out and tripped me, I sent out that prayer as my extremities instinctively sought to save me from the full impact.

My daughter, newly returned to the area had been telling me for months I needed to use a cane. The foot drop I had developed because of a very severe childhood car accident when my legs were pinned under the back seat of an old style Renault, the engine resting on them.

People came from every direction, kinda sorta rushing but not eager to find bad news. Because I am the kind  of person who jokes her way through stressful situations, I don't always look hurt or helpless enough. But I was. Hurt. When I right myself, the signal from my brain to my right leg was gone. I could think 'lift' all I wanted to, but the leg would not respond.

Aid cars came and I couldn't make a decision of what to do or who to call. Lifting my leg like a marionette by the pant leg instead of a string, they put me back into my car. I laboriously replenished the car with some fuel and then somehow drove myself back to my little Island. Stopping at the fire station to see if I could have someone follow me home and help me into bed, I emerged from the ladies room pit stop I had requested in the wheelchair they insisted I use to find myself facing a gurney and an aid car. I was going to the hospital.

Life has not been the same since. In the slow wheels of medical assessment and paperwork, I am in the process of finding out exactly what damage was done. The signal returned to my leg after about three or four days. Using a walker for a month, I am now on a four toed cane. Most likely it is permanent.

It's just a cane. I have returned to a lifestyle I knew in the years immediately following the accident. I am visibly disabled.

In just three months, I have had to rework and redesign my entire life. It has pressed me so close to God, he feels like a constant friend and coach. I stay away from 'why' and instead ask 'what good can come of this , Lord?'. My prayer is for the 'bad' to be recomposted for 'good' as quickly as possible.

All my years of enduring hardship and seeming impossible challenges have provided a foundation on which I can build a new life that is positive and responsive to whatever call it is the Lord has given me; to continue the work I was beginning to do in adaptive ways.

Be bold and strong in the little days of obstacles, that during the big days of a complete curve ball being thrown your way, you are adept and surrender and listening.

Now lest I sound too noble, and in case some of you are going through the first little bit of an extreme situation, know that I spent the first twenty four hours crying out, and venting, and acknowledging my fears.

Then I surrendered the unknown to the Unseen.
I'll keep you posted. My faith is stronger than ever.
Love,
Deborah